One day when I was playing basketball in a match during my adolescent years, I realized a 50-cent coin in my pocket was missing. I couldn’t concentrate on the game as I was obsessed with the thought that something tragic would happen if I couldn’t find the coin, which should be somewhere on the court.
Terrified by the obsessive thought, I stopped to look for it in the middle of the game. One of my teammates got angry and asked me to come back and play. He yelled at me, saying he would give me his 50 cents after the game. I hesitantly went back to the game and kept playing, not focusing very much on the game. After the match, I felt vulnerable and useless.
After I realized I wasn’t “normal,” I tried to look normal during social gatherings.
To that end, I often put on a smile. I did it pretty well. Yet, the stress to pretend to be normal wasn’t bearable. It was such torture to smile outside with obsessive thoughts inside. As a result, I gradually kept myself from social gatherings; I chose to be alone.