Myth #1: Being Good-Hearted

“You are so good-hearted, and that caused your OCD symptoms.” This is what my mom told me when I suffered from OCD as a teenager. Back then, her explanation sounded absurd to me and even made me angry because I could not connect the two things. I hated myself because of my unreasonable worries. Being described as “good-hearted” felt completely contradictory to the self-hatred I experienced. Any positive description seemed inappropriate for someone like me, who struggled with irrational thoughts and behaviors. My mom’s description of me as a good-hearted person only irritated me.

I am now 50 years old. Looking back on my teenage years, I can now say that, from my perspective, my mom may have been partly right. Although my worries were closely related to myself, they were also deeply connected to the well-being of others. For example, when I worried about the possibility of burning down the house because I might not have turned off the burner, the fear was not only about me. I worried about the consequences for my family. How would my family survive such a loss? What would happen to them if the house burned down? These thoughts intensified my anxiety and made my doubts about whether I had turned off the burner feel more serious and urgent.

My mom’s advice was that I needed to become mentally tougher. Implicitly, this meant caring less about other people’s feelings and worrying less about my family’s well-being. She believed that this mindset would stop my spiraling thoughts. Although I do think my gentle and “good-hearted” personality contributed to my OCD tendencies, I doubt that becoming emotionally tougher would have helped me manage OCD in a healthier way.

Basically, I believe that some characteristics people are born with are difficult to change. I believe I was born with OCD in the sense that my brain is naturally wired to worry. In the same way, I believe I was also born with a “good-hearted” personality. Because these characteristics are deeply ingrained, I think it is extremely difficult to completely remove or fundamentally change them.

This belief is one reason why I am drawn to mindfulness-based approaches to OCD. Rather than trying to eliminate parts of myself, including my OCD tendencies and personality traits, I believe it is more meaningful to learn how to live with them in a healthier and more productive way.

Regarding the idea that people with OCD are often deeply considerate of others, Hershfield and Nicely (2017) briefly noted:

“[W]e have noticed that many, many people with OCD are people-pleasers, meaning they will do anything to keep everyone around them happy. They never want to upset, offend, insult, demean, condescend to, intentionally ignore, or be rude to anyone”(p. 96).

Although the authors mention this characteristic briefly, I wanted to gather more direct perspectives from people who live with OCD themselves. Hearing their experiences may help us develop a clearer understanding of this issue from the perspectives of OCD sufferers. With that in mind, I would love to hear your thoughts on the following questions:

1. Do you think your OCD worries are connected to concern for other people, responsibility, or protecting others? Why or why not?

2. Have you ever felt that your OCD came from “caring too much” about something or someone? What did that experience feel like?

3. When people described you as “too sensitive,” “too caring,” or “too responsible,” how did you react to those descriptions?

4. Have you ever tried to become emotionally “tougher” in order to fight OCD? If so, did it help, hurt, or both?

Reference

Hershfield, J., & Nicely, S. (2017). Everyday mindfulness for OCD: Tips, tricks, and skills for living joyfully. New Harbinger Publications.