My battle with OCD is one that began with fear shame and guilt that has now led me to a place of self love and radical acceptance. My story of OCD began in the jungles of Colombia believe it or not. I’m not joking so I’ll explain. When I was 26, I went travelling around South America with a friend during the time leading up to this I was experiencing anxiety for the first time. So around 4 months into the trip my anxiety was gradually increasing. However, I just left it aside and tried to ignore it. Me and my friend were working as volunteers on an English's mans farm in Colombia. He had a family and a few animals, and our job was to help him with general duties... anyway during this time I was feeling anxious most days and didn't know why.
One day during lunch I was talking to his 12 year old daughter, and I had the thought 'she is pretty' that one thought led me down a 5 or 6 week path of agony. As soon as I had the thought, others followed such as 'how could you think that', 'do you fancy her' At the time I had no idea about intrusive thoughts or OCD, so I just fought with my mind day and night until the thoughts were constantly there and I was avoiding children all the time.
I didn't tell anyone I was going through this as I honestly believed I was losing my mind... okay so moving on, me and my friend moved on from this farm and moved to another place to volunteer with a community who drank the shamans phsycadelic ayahuasca. The community on this farm were very spiritual and they also had many children there, my intrusive thoughts and this point were constant and I was really struggling to keep it together every day.
We agreed to drink ayahuasca, and I believed foolishly that this would take all my problems away (it really didn't). After my first Ayahuasca ceremony, I was feeling rather tired and sensitive, but the thoughts were constant that night. I decided to open up to the shaman there as I couldn't take it any longer. As I told him about these awful thoughts I'd been having, it seemed to help me. However, as the following weeks went on, I continued telling everyone on the community, and as I learnt further this was classic reassurance seeking behavior.
I left the community 3 ayahuasca sessions later and still none the wiser to why I was constantly having these awful sexual thoughts. I met a guy named Stephano who ran meditation retreats nearby and decided to go there to try get to the bottom of it (I was going to try and get rid of them!) The meditation retreat, as you can imagine, was extremely difficult as I still had no idea what was happening in my mind and neither did my meditation teacher (the retreat was also silent and as you can imagine added fuel to the fire.) The thoughts then got progressively worse and to make it even more fun my mind one day created the thought 'why don't you stab Stephano with the machete hes got' this was it! I was finally going insane and with a great mixture of POCD and HOCD I was finally at breaking point.
Hope (through knowledge)
I am an avid reader and before I left British shores my dad bought me a kindle to travel with, as you can imagine whilst going through this I bought multiple books on meditation/anxiety even pranayama and kundalini hoping to get some answers. My breakthrough moment came during one afternoon at Stephanos when I couldn't take it anymore I decided to go on my phone (this was forbidden on our retreat setting). I decided I was going to google the thoughts I was having and the anxiety it gave me and after searching I came across a video on intrusive thoughts. This was the first time I had heard the term so I quickly went on my kindle to find a related book. The first book that came up was calling Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Sally Winston and Martin Seif. The moment I started reading this book I almost burst into tears of pure emotion, everything made sense! I wasn't losing my mind, I wasn't a monster I was just experiencing high anxiety and a great imagination. The information in the book described me perfectly and I devoured it in one sitting. I would personally like to thank the both of them for writing such an amazing book, and it has such a profound effect on me! Now I had the information and self diagnosis (and a great sense of relief) I had only one goal and this was recovery. My retreat ending and I continued to travel for a month or two more before coming back to the UK in December 2021...
Recovery
My thoughts continued when I returned so during 2022 I tried a couple of therapies to try and get rid of them. I think the emphasis here is 'try to get rid of them' and to quote Stephen Hayes 'there is no delete button in the mind.' I first tried therapy through the app better help, my sexual and harm intrusive thoughts at this point had more or less dwindled away or at least didn't bother me anymore. Unfortunately however I had now developed suicide OCD, and thoughts of harming myself were ever constant.
The first therapist was a great guy. However, I don't think he really understood the condition and he wanted to delve into my past. This initially seemed like a good idea, but over time it seemed to just increase the rumination and compulsive behaviour so after 5 or 6 session I abandoned this approach. Weeks and months continued like this, and thoughts of suicide engulfed everything I did. I knew these thoughts didn't define me, and it was only OCD but they would not show any signs of slowing down. After a while, I reached out to another therapist who insisted in ERP. These sessions were quite intense. and I'll share with you one of the exposures we tried (it involves sharp objects!)
I was instructed to hold a knife to my neck or wrist and consciously think the worst thoughts of suicide imaginable. As you can imagine, anxiety spike high and progressively went down throughout the exposure. Unfortunately however the thoughts wouldn't leave, and I came to the realization that all these things I have been doing (therapy, meditation, breathing exercises) you name it were all an attempt to get rid of something I didn't want, and this is what kept them returning.
ACT and Psychology
Moving forward now in my life I am now coming to a stage where I feel this is not something to be changed but accepted and in accepting myself and my thoughts I can live the life I want to live. I am now happy in my life. I still get intrusive thoughts and anxiety. However, the relationship is different and it feels as if I am stepping away from the fight to get rid of it into a place of acceptance, understanding and compassion for myself and others.
In November 2023, I will attend a month long meditation retreat in Rishikesh India, and as of February 2023 I am now a student of Psychology through the open university (my hope is to one day help people with similar issues). My struggle with intrusive thoughts has opened my mind to many opportunities and a capacity to live with my gratitude for myself and others. As they say in Buddhism, it is possible to turn straw into gold, and that's what I hope to do here. Thanks for reading this and thanks for your time.
Liam Kay.
Books that have helped me..
Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts Paperback – Illustrated, 27 April 2017 by Sally M. Winston PsyD (Author), Martin N. Seif PhD (Author)
Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself Paperback – 30 Nov. 2007 by Michael Singer (Author)
A New Earth: Awakening Your Life's Purpose Audible Logo Audible Audiobook – Unabridged Eckhart Tolle (Author, Narrator)
A Liberated Mind: The Essential Guide to ACT Audible Logo Audible Audiobook – Unabridged Dr Steven Hayes