The Illusion of Certainty

Certainty is defined as the state of being completely free from doubt, or having firm, sure knowledge that something is true. It can also refer to an event or outcome that is completely inevitable or bound to happen. It is one crazy idea that was one day made up just to bring a shred of comfort to those who lived in whatever state of unknowing they found themself in. Those with a “typical” brain may experience doubtfulness but are usually able to move on from it in a reasonable manner, or may feel 90% certain about something the lack of the remainder has no grip over their mind. Whereas individuals with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are fundamentally driven by the intense, all-consuming pursuit of certainty. Rather than the normal caution a brain should interpret, individuals with OCD within their brain treats anything less than 100% certainty as a guarantee for catastrophe. Yet, the more a person with OCD chases the elusive idea of certainty the more fragile their cycle becomes, and the vicious cycle forever keeps moving the finish line.

My struggle with OCD has been something that has easily been distracted by things to fill my time that is black and white. Volleyball schedules, university assignments, right and wrong. But staring down the barrel of ambiguity and an OCD and ADHD diagnosis, all I could think about was how to be certain of everything. But that is and forever will be impossible. 

Which is why I argue certainty is, in fact, an illusion. However, even knowing that fact and forever, racking my brain and those around me about all the possible “what ifs?” it is still an illusion, I find myself chasing.

Long before my OCD diagnosis I was and always have been an inquisitive child

and adult, I loved information. Any form of obscure fact, random vocabulary word, or any form of random thought I had I would look up the answer and committed to memory. I did this at first what I could was just for the joy of knowledge, but also maybe that one off chance the obscure knowledge I had on a niche topic would come up in conversation, I would be prepared and could gain the approval of others in any small way. 

But at some point in my life, that drive for knowledge and the compulsive need for certainty, and knowing everything had their lines between them blurred. I wasn’t any longer asking my mom about what nursing school was like, or googling about the war of the roses in England in the 15th century, I was having panic attacks over plans suddenly changing and asking anyone I trusted if I had ruined my life because I made the wrong choices at only 23 years old just to get that hit of reassurance. I found the “what ifs?” debilitating. Panic attacks about my relationship, whether I believed in God, whether I knew anything about myself in my identity, intrusive thoughts, and images that made me feel like a shameful person, and I knew in my heart that my OCD was attacking every single pillar of my life that grounded me, and that was the most important to me. 

The need for certainty had soon took over every aspect of my life to the point where my entire identity felt foreign to me, and I did not know who I was, what I wanted, or anything I loved anymore.

But that was not the true me, that was my OCD.

My therapist always says “OCD attacks what you love most or what you are the most passionate about,” and this is the truest thing I have ever experienced. So, long story, short, certainty is exactly what I called it, an illusion.

An illusion is defined as a false impression, a misleading image, or a mistaken belief that makes something appear different from what it actually is.

The reality is, living with OCD my brain has convinced me that certainty is the one and only thing I need that will give me solace. My OCD broke down my identity to the point it convinced me that being certain of everything will put an end to my dark thoughts, obsessions, compulsions, and all other things living in my head that I feel trapped by. But that is a false reality. Because the only way to take back control over my own life from my OCD is by releasing that control entirely. It is that pursuit of the illusion of certainty in the first place that keeps me trapped in the cycle that somewhere along the way, little by little, my OCD convinced me was the answer.

It is a long and painful experience to release control and allow my body and brain to live within the experience of fear and anxiety, and not allow myself to pursue the thing my OCD has conditioned my brain to doing for giving me a small hit of comfort, only to be riddled by anxiety again only moments later. But denying myself that compulsion and truly feeling that discomfort is the only way out. 

Certainty is not real, and I will never achieve it, but that is the entire beauty of real life. I am in the thick of my ERP therapy, and I have cried countless times and I know there will be many more moments of fear, pain, and frustration. But I know in my heart there is another side of this tunnel and I will get there.

I am tired of letting mistaken, beliefs, and false impressions dictate my life, and I am tired of living inside an illusion, and I am ready to take my life back.